Alrighty. This edition of Ask The LAMB is going to very interesting and different for a few reasons. One of them is Lindsay from French Toast Sunday had to retire due to her busy schedule. I greatly appreciated her taking the time out in helping out and she was a great sport and gave great answers. But no fear because I have found someone to take her place.

You might be familiar with her already. She co-hosts the MILFcast and writes lists over at Man, I Love Films. She is none other than Heather! I’m not sure what her last name is this week because she changes it so often so we’ll just call her Heather. Anyway, she’s strange, odd, but most importantly funny.

Also in this edition, we’re gonna be doing something a bit different. We’re all gonna answer the same question…except for Simon. I gave Simon a special question. But when I came across this question, I knew we struck gold. And finally, our guest contributor is Jaina from Time Well Spent. Let’s roll!

Yahoo! User #9 Asks:
I’m an aspiring director. I’m looking to shoot my own short film. I have actors & a hotel room. Any ideas?

The Great White Dope:
Two words: “REPULSION” remake.

Think about it; one room, one person in it slowly going insane, seeing ghosts, evil visions, that kind of thing.  The right kind of writing could pull it off easily.  Just make sure you don’t shoot off any guns or use a lot of blood squibs when you film – the maid staff hates that.

Nolahn:
Dear Yahoo! User #9,
As a matter of fact, I have a great idea for you: Write a script.

Jaina:
Sounds like a kinky weekend! Or erm… not.

I know this is a place for film, but when I read this question my mind went straight to the medium of TV. There are countless TV shows out there that have done some brilliant “bottle episodes”. One set. Limited number of characters. Simple. Here are my top 5 favourite bottle episodes from TV:

1. Community: Season 2 episode 8 – Cooperative Caligraphy.
2. Breaking Bad: Season 3 episode 10 – Fly (directed by Looper and Brick’s Rian Johnson)
3. The Sopranos: Season 3 episode 11 – Pine Barrens
4. Battlestar Galactica: Season 3 episode 9 – Unfinished Business
5. Firefly: Out of Gas

Here all the characters are forced into one scenario and it really brings out the best and worst of them. If you haven’t seen any of these, I recommend giving them a watch. They should give you some great ideas on character conflicts, motives and what you can do with just one set.

Dylan:
This is pretty creepy, man.  I mean, I have no idea when this question was asked – it could have been 2007 for all I know, and yet there you are, claiming that, to this day, you still have “actors & a hotel room.  Any ideas?”

Yeah, my idea is to call the cops, you psychotic, kidnapping lunatic.  How long have you been filming them for now?  How much is your hotel bill after all this time?  If this was the porno that we all thought it was upon initially reading your question, how sore are all of the “actors” at this point?

I don’t even want to know the answers to my questions.  Yet another reason I avoid Yahoo Questions to begin with.  Bunch of nasty bastards on there…

Adam:
So you have actors and a hotel room but you don’t have a script or any ideas?  Just what the world needed, another terrible filmmaker!

I’m assuming that “aspiring director” means you’re young.  Because you’re young (and therefore stupid), there’s a 98% chance that you’ll end up making a horror movie; probably something with zombies.  The world doesn’t need any more no-budget crappy horror movies, so please do something else.

Also, because all you have is a hotel room and actors, I’m sure you’ll have a ton of people telling you to shoot porn. While I like porn (a lot), I’m not going to suggest you do that.

Instead, I’m going to suggest watching movies that were mostly filmed in one location.  Hopefully they’ll inspire you to see that set limitations are actually an opportunity to innovate.  Off the top of my head, some movies that fit this criteria are: 12 Angry Men, Clerks, The Breakfast Club, Lifeboat, and Paranormal Activity.  There are likely hundreds of others.  As you can see from that list, the plots are generally dialogue-driven, so you need to have strong characters with discernible motivations who are forced into a situation where they have limited control over…you know what?  Forget it.  You couldn’t even come up with an idea for your own short! The most we can expect from you is a remake of 12 Angry Men starring the slack-jawed morons you went to high school with.  Just shoot a damn porno and be done with it.

Heather:
There are four actors.  Three are ninja apprentices, and one is a ninja master pretending to be a ninja apprentice.  They are all in a room together.  There are no doors, windows, or seeming entrances or exits.  They have all been placed in the room while unconscious.  They are given no directions as to what their goal is.  Be it escape, meditation, or otherwise.  They have no idea how long the test will last for, and they have no idea what the actual test is………..go from there.

Matt:
Dear Yahoo User #9,

It’s tough to say what kind of short you should make since I don’t know your taste in film. If you plan on making a horror movie, it would be in your best interest to not make it about Zombies, no matter how good of an idea you think you have. But if you do, then I’m sure I’ll be getting an email from you asking me to review it at some point in the future.

Your best bet would be to either make some sort of a visually driven paranoid thriller, which would take some technical skill, or do a character focused  comedy, which would take some great writing. Not sure if you or anyone involved posses any of those skills, but those are a few places to start, I suppose. Maybe you could do a sitcom about a bunch of heroin addicts living in a hotel room? Think Trainspotting meets Family Ties, and the ideas just start flowing.

I don’t know what else to tell you… maybe your best bet is to buy a couple grams of Meth, a bottle of baby oil, a strobe light, some Viagra, and just set up a camera on a tripod in the corner of the room and let nature takes its course. I bet you’ll be able to sell that movie without too much of a problem.

Thanks for your question, Yahoo User #9, and if you decide to go with my final idea, please fell free to email me if you need any help.

Jason:
This is very interesting. I have a friend-if I can call her that cause I’ve never met her personally-named Stacie who writes for the blog Final Girl. It’s a great blog, check it out if you haven’t. Anyway, Stacie a year or two ago decided to make her own damn horror movie and all she had was a camera, some actors, and a hotel room. And she made a pretty decent horror film. It’s called “Ludlow”, you should check it out.

But to quote many of my friends up above, I see you don’t have a script. I’m guessing that you think you’re a whiz at improv and just want to turn the camera on and see what magic happens. I can promise you that the magic will NOT happen unless you come up with a story of some kind.

Clearly, the best answer is to remake “The Room” but literally have it ALL in one room. Even parts that are suppose to be outside, have it in another part of “The Room”. Like the roof scene can just be in the bathroom. The “park” can be on the bed. And so on. I know we had a “Room”-type question last edition but clearly, this is destiny.

Or…just make a porno.

Yahoo! User #10 Asks:
I’m auditioning for a movie!? So theres this upcoming audition. I’ve been preparing alot for the character, i know my lines backwords! but theres a few problems:
1.} My character has to kiss a boy! i know its just profetional but i’ve never kissed someone or had a boyfriend in my entire life! then, what if my dad sees? i mean, he’s gonna know that im growing up (im
15) and that kissing will come soon in my life. But lets face it, WHO kisses her boyfriend infront of their mom and dad…doesn’t matter which age, adults or youngsters wouldn’t kiss infront of their parents
right? i dunno.
2.} i live too far away, im in USA and the cast would be in London! what if i miss school? i know i know, maybe i won’t get the character but i who knows? theres just a very few amount of ppl auditioning.
Then, what about school? and exams? and homework? i really want to appear in the movie but school’s very important too! i dunno. Oh, and this will be my last year studying in this school, i’ll change to another one the next year..
3.} My character is about a britanic girl. Britanics are most likely to be white and golden haired. I am brunette and tanned skined. So i dont know if they’ll choose me being of this colour. Maybe they’ll choose another whiter girl or something….so im thinking of not going for the audition, or maybe yes, should i try? i dunno….please any advices?
thx!

Simon:
Right…

(A) you can’t spell professional.
(B) you’re 15. Sign off on the vast majority of documents which you will inevitably have to sign off on as you are younger than the legal working age. Insurance for the employer is an issue. In the UK any employer will need to be properly checked to work with young people (Has he/she completed a CRB check?)
(C) Assuming the issues above are dealt with. You now have a huge amount of passport, visa and work issues to contend with if you are expected to work in the uk following an employment in the US. What provisions do they have in place for your education?

This sounds like complete shit. The expectations of a legitimate organisation hiring a child to work in a foreign country is a huge challenge and if you – or your parents- have not been informed about the procedures then clearly it is crap. Bail and contact the police.

And that’s it! If YOU have a question/problem/situation that you’d like to see us handle, please send it to [email protected]. Also I am looking for some more guest contributors, so if you are interested in helping out a fellow human being, inquire within.
-Jason