Ask The LAMB #8

by Jason Soto · November 9, 2012 · Ask The LAMB, Featured · 1 Comment

And we’re back!! Sorry for the long break, but I had some personal things going on in my life along with it being Halloween. Oh and the whole LAMB changing. So now all that’s over with, let’s get back to answering those pesky questions!

In the event of a zombie outbreak, will I have enough to survive?
I have two Baretta with lots of hollow point rounds and a Gladius. Aside from food and supplies do you thing my weapons are sufficient?


Dear Zombie Survival Enthusist,

Guns should only be used in desperate scenarios, the sounds of the shots will attract more zombies.  This is common zombie knowledge.  The Gladius is also a good knife for final stand, but what you’d like is something like a pick ax, a sword, something with longer range so the zombies can’t get close to you to bite you.  You will want to acquire as many weapons as you can in the meantime or set up an alliance with someone that does.  Also if you can find a silencer option for your gun that would be choice.  This isn’t a game, it’s very serious and you have me quite concerned that you don’t already know some pretty obvious zombie survival knowledge.  Please watch as many films as you can, read as many books as you can, and make plans, or you will be one of the first dead.

The Great White Dope:

Do you have any spears?  Knives?  Axes?  Machetes?  Stump grinder?  Those sticky-up spike things in the ground surrounding your house like John Wayne had around his encampment in “The Green Berets”?  Home-made napalm to slow ’em down?  If not, then NO, you don’t have enough weapons.  Get these. 


This being a horror related question, I had to latch onto this one. I have thought about this many many times before and I think I have the answer to your question. No. You are not ready. You’re missing a LOT of things. First off, companionship. Once the zombies strike, I plan on starting a harem full of women that I’ve come across on a daily basis. There are many types of women in my harem, some just for looks, some that make me laugh, and of course some that can kick ass when the time is right. Two, you need food. I hate to say it but you’re gonna have to resort to cannibalism at some point. Cause regular food is gonna run out eventually and who’ll be left? Yep. I believe zombie and salmonella are the same things: the disease will burn away when you cook it. Lastly, you need to study that contraption in “Waterworld” that turns pee into things, like drinkable water and gas. Imagine if pee was gas? Boy howdy…

Who’s your favorite?? Freddy, Jason, or Michael?

So out of these classic villains, who do you like best? Why?


Freddy. Jason and Michael are just prudish glorified ass-monkeys standing around in masks. But Freddy? Everyone knows that Freddy is the best. (stares down Jason Soto) EVERYONE.

(Editors Note: There’s suddenly an opening for co-host at The Lair of the Unwanted. If you’re interested, email me!)


Slow & methodical killing machines would probably be much scarier in real life than a wise-cracking dream ghost, but I think they make for fairly bland movie villains. That’s why I’ve never liked Michael Myers.  He’s a boring character who isn’t really ever developed.   He’s got this thing about wanting to kill his whole family?  Join the club!  His mythology is stupid.  In the sixth Halloween movie, we learn that he’s controlled by some secret evil cult.  Since that explains a lot, this tidbit would have been nice to know around the second movie.  

Jason isn’t really much more interesting than Michael Myers, but I guess I enjoy the Friday the 13th movies more than the Halloween movies.  His motivation and mythology are pretty sketchy.  I guess since he drowned when he was 10, he came back as an unkillable human monster who has mommy issues and murders people who happen to hang out near the place where he died, especially if they’re having sex because he drowned while camp counselors were fornicating? Like, that’s the story they came up with for this guy?  And why was a 10 year old night swimming alone in the first place? 

 Freddy is my favorite.  Yes, as the movies went on, his bad puns and stupid one-liners got worse, but Freddy is interesting because he’s got a back story and motivation.  He’s punishing children for their parents’ mistakes.  The first movie takes place in 1984.  Nancy is about 16 or so.  That means she was born around 1968, meaning her mom got knocked up around 1967.  So Nancy’s mom & dad are likely hippies during the Summer of Love, dropping acid and having a good old time.  She gets pregnant, the two are forced to become functional adults and they move to suburbia.  They didn’t want that, they aren’t happy and they develop drinking problems and get divorced.  But not before they get together with their neighbors and torch some guy who they think is a “child murderer.”  There’s no due process for Mr. Krueger.  No fair trial.  Just torches & pitchforks from the crazy idealistic baby boomers.  We’re fed some line about signing the search warrant in the wrong place, but we’re originally told this by some nutty alcoholic. The parents don’t want their kids to know that they were out protesting Vietnam and having orgies and burning their neighbors to death, so they ignore their sordid past, but it catches up with their kids.  And then they still ignore it.  Since I blame the baby boomers for most of today’s ills, I like this setup.  Sure, the mythology falls apart in later movies and Freddy stops killing just the children of Elm Street, but the foundation for the character is strong and he’s very charming for a child-murdering dream ghost.

What are some movies about ‘being liked’?
Lately, I’ve been suffering from depression for multiple reasons. The most recent has been my struggle with being liked. Whenever I’m on sites like Facebook, I see my friends with 50 or even 115 likes on some of their pictures. I’m not jealous, it’s just that I’m not the type of girl that many people give a chance. I have close to no friends and whenever I’m feeling like this, I enjoy watching movies about the struggles I’m facing. Does anyone know any movies about social media or being liked? (I really enjoyed Cyberbully and it has become my go to movie so anything along those lines.)


Dear Depressed,

The first thing you should do is stop comparing yourselves to others, and like yourself.  Anyone can be popular on social media, it’s the real world that counts.  However, in times of depression I often lose myself in movies and books.  I like watching movies like “Patton” and “Lord Of The Rings” or “Star Wars” at times like that.  A really good movie that I think of when I consider movies about outcasts though is “Welcome To The Dollhouse”


I’m glad you came to me with this question. All these other LAMBers, they’re just going to regurgitate the same old “let down your hair and swap out your glasses for contact lenses and become an instant hottie” routine. That worked wonders in every ’80s movie ever, but that’s not what you’re looking for. Besides, something something inner beauty blahblahblah esteme-cakes.

Not me. I have THE PERFECT MOVIE for you… an instructional video, if you will. It’s the story of a teenaged boy, who — like you — didn’t have any friends and just wanted to be liked, and I think his solution might interest you. 

 I’m talking, of course, about 2002’s The New Guy, starring DJ Qualls, Eliza Dushku and Eddie Griffin. Check it out, and then give Dizzy’s solution a whirl: get yourself expelled from school, do some jail time where you’ll come under the wing of an impossibly cool convict, then transfer to a different school under an alias. Blammo! Instant popularity.


Normally, I like to make a joke or some other snarky response, and knowing Jason, you’re probably Yahoo User #6 and will never see this, but just in case, I feel like that’s inappropriate.  First off, as perhaps a cautionary tale, there’s Catfish, of course.  That tackles social media and misuse by an (admittedly disturbed) individual.  

Last year, I saw Terri, co-starring John C. Reilly, and it’s a pretty good film about a somewhat bullied/distanced kid and how he learns to appreciate himself and make friends.  Strong performances all-around, especially by the kid that plays Terri.

Afraid I really don’t have much more than that off the top of my head.  I mean, there’s Bowling for Columbine and Elephant and Bang, Bang You’re Dead, but I’m not sure those are so much in line with what you’re talking about.  Good luck.

If you could pick an American actor to play the next James Bond, who would it be?
…since we got a guy from the UK playing Batman, I wouldn’t mind seeing an American Bond


Ha ha! Unlike the US (Superman, Spiderman, Batman…) , I think that Britain won’t give away 007 to the US.
But, hypothetically, lets have a think…
Jon Hamm is a little too old, but pre-Mad Men maybe. Jake Gyllenhaal is pretty good and can adapt pretty well to different circumstances. The fact that he played Pricne of Persia is pretty embarressing. Automatic no to Sam Worthington because I still don’t believe he has earned any status to be successful – let alone his acting credability. Daniel Craig is blonde – so that opens the doors to DiCaprio and Matthew McConoghy (sic). Also a no-go for Taylor Lautner – again, too young. Back in the days of Dawsons Creek I thought, give him a couple of years and maybe … Kerr Smith. This was laughed at tremendously by the friends that surrounded me. Obviously actors in any 007-rips offs: Jason Bourne, 24, Mission Impossible – do not get a look in. That means Jeremy Renner is out on two counts. Nope to Chris Pine and Haydyn Chritsenssnnenensnsnnsnsnsn for the same reason.
I’m not against a black actor taking the role either and, after the recent consideration of Idris Elba, I wouldn’t be afraid of considering Anthony Mackie – he is slick and suave, clean cut and looks good in a suit (The Adjusment Bureau). And, despite his awful film-choices in recent years, Cuba Gooding Jnr looks pretty bad-ass in this ‘almost-Casino Royale’ shot: 

Bottom-line is, the UK won’t give it up. There is a huge amount of pride that Connery was Scottish, Brosnan was Irish, etc. They will go through every man in Britain before looking at an American Actor…

The Great White Dope:

Jim Carrey; we already know he can sound like Sean Connery.  Besides, he wouldn’t sound ridiculous saying “Octopussy”.


Duh…Nicolas Cage.

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