Hey all! Sebastian from Detailed Criticisms here. I’m new to The LAMB, and this is my first time writing for the site. So, you know, don’t go too hard on me! Please?

Well kids, the time has come. Award season has officially ended! Oscar has handed out his preferences for the year, 2009. Now, I love the awards season, and I assume you do to, because, well, you’re reading this post. But, let’s be honest. A lot of people probably aren’t all that keen on watching the richest and most elite people in the world give each other golden statues for three hours. There will be posts, no doubt, that analyze the winners, whether or not they should have won, how gracious they were, and so on. But, what about talking about the antics of the host, making snarky remarks about what people are wearing, roasting to people who mess up, and viewing the awards ceremony for what it really is, a ridiculous, good hearted event where the richest of the rich spend three hours giving each other golden statues, with a little analysis thrown in for good measure? That’s where I come in! For all those out there who didn’t want to spend three hours in front of your TV, or who answered “No” or “Maybe” in that poll over there in the sidebar, but still care to know how the evening panned out, whether the king of the world has retained his crown, or if he got beat by his ex, etcetera, you’ve come to right place. Without further ado, I present to you The LAMB’s official Oscar minutes for the 2010 ceremony. All you’ll ever need to know about the the nights telecast boiled down into one, sarcasm filled, blog post! Thank me later!

Part 1: The Red Carpet

4:35: What the hell is Vera Farmiga wearing? I have a theory that the Academy changes its votes depending on whether or not the winner is wearing something particularly garish to prevent us hard watching public from having to look at them for longer then we have to. So, in the odd event that Farmiga beat out Mo’Nique, she just screwed herself!

4:40: Meryl Streep looks beautiful! She’s very gracious to her fellow nominees. Morgan Freeman has two dates, the playa! Randolph Duke has the worst fake tan ever!

4:43: Jeff Bridges, with wife on arm, looks ready to accept his award tonight! He doesn’t seem to be too interested in talking about Tron 2 though. George Pennacchio quicky changes the subject back to Crazy Heart.

4:47: Quentin Tarantino is, apparently surprised by the fact that Hollywood continues to accept his weirdness. Hnas Landa is the greatest character he has ever written! My God, Tarantino is such a pretentious dick, but I still love him! Queen Latifah and Rachel McAdams look gorgeous!

4:50: George Clooney leaves the red carpet to sign autographs for the fenced in fans! He knows how to work the crowd. He’s awesome! Too bad he is going home empty handed.

4:54: Robert Downey Jr. rules something fierce, and clean shaven! What is going on? He has no problem admitting that he hasn’t seen many of the nominated films. Carey Mulligan is ravishing! Kate Winslet is the definition of elegance! Cameron Diaz is the last star to arrive.

5:00: The telecast switches hosts. Oh boy, more boringness. First up, a talk with all the Supporting Actress nominees. The host completely forgets Anna Kendrick’s name. Penelope Cruz, last years winner, is, of course very gracious to her fellow nominees. Vera Farmiga and Kendrick don’t get a chance to speak at all. Mo’Nique says the same shit she’s been saying this whole awards season.

5:04: Jake Gyllenhaal sells Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time, and offers congratulations to his sister. George Cooney makes snarky remarks about how he chose to role of Ryan Bingham and about his way-to-young squeeze! Sandra Bullock looks pretty. She’s focused on what she’s going to eat after the show. Double fried french fries sound terrible.

5:06: Zac Efron’s hair looks ridiculous. He’s surprisingly well spoken for a Disney prodigy!

5:09: Jenna Hurt is the Oscar delivery person, and she’s wearing a very expensive dress by a very talented person. That’s all I have to say on the matter. Matt Damon muses on his tough job of learning how to speak with a South African accent. Helen Mirren and Christopher Plummer talk about a romance between “two grown people,” which is, apparently, defined by being in love over 14.

5:11: Morgan Freeman has TWO dates! Oh, one of them is his daughter, and the other is the producer of Invictus. He’s not so badass anymore. He’s very well versed in the jewelry his guests are wearing. The telecast reminisces on the last time the Academy nominated ten best picture nominees, in which Casablanca won.

5:13: Jennifer Lopez feels GOOD! Her train is ridiculously long! Sarah Jessica Parker may look fantastic in Chanel, but, seriously, she might consider eating a meal every now and then. Matthew Broderick looks so uncomfortable. Cameron Diaz looks great. Her talk gives the impression that she is annoyed that she has yet to be nominated!

5:20: The envelopes make their way up the carpet! Steve Carrel and Tina Fey make some good jokes. Miley Cyrus does not have the best of both worlds. She has not been blessed with playing different roles; she has always played the same role!

5:22: Jeff Bridges gets ambushed by the hosts again. He wants to get out of there. Kate Winslet is just here for the party! She’s looking forward to watching everyone else panicking for a change. Gaborey Sidibe doesn’t have anything to share with us, because I guess we already know everything there is to know about her.

5:25: Taylor Lautner sounds stoned. “It’s totally surreal!” Wow. Meryl Streep’s favorite part of the Oscars is getting away from these dumbass hosts and sitting down in the Kodak Theatre. At least she’s honest. The hosts sign off. Here we go!

Part 2: The Show

5:30: The nominees for Leading Actor come onto the stage and get recognized. They all look very proud of themselves. Gabby Sidibe looks like she’s modeling. The two wild and crazy guys then… wait, Neil Patrick Harris? What? You know what, I don’t care! He’s awesome! He starts singing about how partners are crucial to life to introduce Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin. The performance gets lavish real quick. A good start!

5:34: The hosts descend on the stage, carried by a choir of angels. Genius! They introduce each other, and of course Steve completely skimps over Alec’s achievements. Meryl Streep is the actress with the most losses! These guys are funny!

5:38: Precious is the one film that accurately lived up to its video game. Some of these jokes don’t really make sense. Woody Harrelson is soooo high! They make a joke about Avatar, how much money it made, and the 3D aspect. They then get some digital tree seeds to float around them, and Steve promptly kills with aresol spray. They can’t think of a joke for George Clooney.

5:42: Steve Martin is the motherload of all jewish people! These, “Oh hey, there’s (insert star name here)” jokes are funny, but they are getting a little old. They end their opening monologue with a insult at, of all people, me!

5:44: Best Supporting Actor: Penelope Cruz gets to it right away. They 10 second Oscar scenes have been significantly expanded to a longer clip. I really like it! It gives us, ignorant people a better sense of the performances. Christoph Waltz is, of course, the winner, and deservedly so. That’s and uber bingo! In keeping with his speeches throughout the season, his is very good!

5:50: Ryan Reynolds introduces The Blind Side, followed by a montage of the film. This movie is a wonderful representation of white guilt, and how we always need to save blackie, and I apologize if that sounded racist, but that’s what the movie is!

5:55: Best Animated Feature: Cameron Diaz and Steve Carrel really aren’t that beautiful! The “stars” of the animated films give their scoop on how they feel being nominated. Brilliant! The interview with the stars of Up is pure genius! I love Dug! Up wins, not surprisingly! Pete Doctor gives a fine speech, and does a good job of thanking his crew and family!

6:00: Best Original Song: Steve and Alec come on and talk about The Hangover, and introduce two young actresses who have no idea who they are, Amanda Seyfried and Miley Cyrus! I hate how they’re not having the performances of the song this year, but they play a section from each song long enough for people to get an idea of them. The Weary Kind from Crazy Heart wins. Ryan Bingham and T. Bone Burnett give a speech that gives off a sense of ill-preperation. T. Bone doesn’t get to say anything. This new, 45 second speech policy is bullshit!

6:05: Chris Pine introduces District 9, followed by a montage. It’s sci-fi shoot em’ up with great political undertones. This montage does a great job of highlighting what was so good about the film!

6:11: Best Original Screenplay: Alec Baldwin comes out and introduces Robert Downey Jr. and the woman who revived his career, Tina Fey! Downey Jr. is so brilliant! “It’s a collaboration between handsome gifted people and sickly mole people!” Mark Boal wins for The Hurt Locker. This surprises me. I could have sworn Tarantino would have won! Oh well. It’s well deserved! Boal gives an average speech. Nohting special. Not terrible, but not great!

6:17: Molly Ringwald and Matthew Broderick come on and deliver a tribute to John Hughes followed by a montage of all his films and interview footage. It’s well done. “Life moves pretty fast. You don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” More John Hughes stars come out and give their own tributes to him.

6:23: Samuel L. Jackson introduces Up. It’s a kids film that’s more adult then most films for adults out there. The montage seems kind of unoriginal to me. I don’t know. It just didn’t “pop”!

6:27: Best Short Animated/Documentary/Live Action: Martin and Bladwin are sick and tired of bringing out ugly actresses, so they bring out Carey Mulligan and Zoe Saldana. Before the announcement, a few prolific directors who won Best Short muse on how winning the short award was actually really awesome, because winning any Oscar other then Best Picture isn’t awesome! Logorama wins for Anmimated. The director thanks the 3000 unofficial sponsors of the film! Music by Prudence wins for Documentary. This speech is a little weird. They get cut off, the first people to be so. The New Tenants wins for Live Action. The second director doesn’t have a chance to say anything.

6:37: Best Makeup: Ben Stiller comes in dressed as a Na’vi in a tux, and speaks faux Na’vi, because it would be too nerdy to wear Spock ears. This is comic gold! Star Trek wins. This is probably the only award Star Trek will win, so, good for them! Those ears on Zachary Quinto were damn convincing! The speeches get cut off here as well.

6:43: Jeff Bridges introduces A Serious Man. It’s a comedy of errors in which absolutely everything that can go wrong for one man goes wrong. The montage is quite good, and funny as hell!

6:47: Best Adapted Screenplay: Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal present this one. Precious wins. Wait, what? Didn’t see that coming. Guess Up in the Air is going home empty handed! Geoffrey Fletcher gives a very heartfelt and teary speech.

Jesus Christ, they are getting so many major awards out of the way early. It would appear that the Academy’s idea of wrangling in viewers is to have an hour of technical awards. I don’t get it.

6:52: Martin introduces Queen Latifah. She gives the highlights of the Governor’s Awards, and then introduces the recipients.

6:55: Best Supporting Actress: Robin Williams presents this one, filling in for the late Heath Ledger. Vera Farmiga should win, but, Mo’Nique wins. Can you believe that feeling, coming out no where? Gosh! She gives her usual impassioned speech. What does her, “about the performance, not the politics,” quip mean? This one is a lot better then her weep-fest at the Globes.

7:01: Colin Firth introduces An Education. This movie is brilliant, and it will go home empty handed. The montage doesn’t do enough to honor it.

7:05: Best Art Direction: A roadie runs off stage as Sigourney Weaver comes on. Avatar wins the first of its many technical awards. “This Oscar sees you.” I wonder how many times they are going to reference that cheesy line during this telecast. The speeches are very good here. One of the best ones so far.

7:08: Best Costume Design: Martin and Baldwin introduce two world renowned clothes whores, Tom Ford and Sarah Jessica Parker. As a rule of thumb, the film with the most hoop skirts wins here, and in keeping with that tradition, The Young Victoria wins. Sandy Powell is an ungracious bitch! “I already have two of these.” What the fuck!

7:11: Charlize Theron introduces Precious, and mixes up the number of nominations. The film has five noms, not four. Geez, Charlize. The montage is pretty good, not terrible, but not spectacular.

7:16: Martin and Baldwin take a moment to recognize the musical director and conductor. They then spoof Paranormal Activity. So ingenious!

7:18: Oh good, Bella and Jacob give a tribute to horror films. They don’t skimp on the blood in this, which I appreciate.

7:22: Best Sound Editing/Mixing: Zac Efron presents with Anna Kendrick? What kind of a match is that? They get Morgan Freeman to narrarate the clip, because his voice is so succulent! The Hurt Locker wins for Editing. Paul N.J. Ottoson has awesome hair! I wish he were in a metal band! The Hurt Locker wins again for Mixing. Ottoson just comes back on stage for this one, and gives the whole speech to Ray Beckett.

7:28: Elizabeth Banks comes on and talks about the Sci-Tech Awards Ceremony. Short and simple.

7:29: John Travolta introduces Inglourious Basterds. Absurdist, revision of history has never been better. This montage is quite lively.

7:34: Best Cinematography: Martin introduces Sandra Bullock, a long time, dear friend, who he has never met. Her intro is pretty witty. Avatar takes this one. Mauro Fiore gives an average speech.

7:37: Demi Moore comes on and introduces the tribute to the members of the Academy who died in 2009. James Taylor comes on and plays to honor them. Among those mentioned are David Carradine, Brittany Murphy, Dom Delouise, Roy Disney, and Michael Jackson.

7:45: Best Original Score: Jennifer Lopez and Sam Worthington, who looks really unkempt tonight, to introduce the Legion of Extraordinary Dancers, who do a routine to a mashup of all the nominated scores. It’s not bad, certainly better then the shit they did with Best Original Song last year. It does go on forever though. It’s a well done number though. I’m very impressed! Michael Giacchino wins for Up. He doesn’t thank anyone, but gives a message to the kids.

7:53: Best Visual Effects: Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper come on and present this one. This one isn’t even a contest. Of course Avatar wins this one. It wouldn’t be a James Cameron film if it didn’t. The speeches are ok.

7:56: Jason Bateman introduces Up in the Air. It’s funny drama about our economy. The montage is pretty good.

8:00: Best Documentary: Baldwin introduces Matt Damon. The Cove wins here, not surprisingly. The speeches are cut off before the second guy can get a word out. Oh well.

8:05: Best Editing: Tyler Perry presents this one. His intro speech is simultaneously funny and uncomfortable as hell! The Hurt Locker wins here. The speeches thank all the people who needed to be thanked, and are quick and to the point. Good job guys.

8:08: Keanu Reeves introduces The Hurt Locker. It’s the first war film about Iraq to accurately capture what it’s like over there. The montage does a great job of capturing the intensity of the film.

8:14: Best Foreign Language Film: Martin and Baldwin introduce Pedro Almadovar and Quentin Tarantino, who completely possessed! El Secreto de sus Ojos (The Secret in Their Eyes) wins, upsetting The White Ribbon! Hooray for Argentina! Why did no one laugh at his joke about Na’vi not being a foreign language? A good speech! Four left.

8:18: Martin and Baldwin introduce Kathy Bates, who introduces Avatar. It’s an epic unlike any other! A good montage.

8:23: A montage of the nominated Best Actors precedes Tim Robbins, Julianne Moore, Michelle Pfeiffer, Colin Farrell and Vera Farmiga, who proceed to pay tribute to all the nominees before announcing the winner, like they did last year. Last years Best Actress winner, Kate Winslet, then comes on to present the Oscar. Jeff Bridges wins, finally! His speech is heartfelt and teary. Thankfully, they don’t cut him off. Guess that stupid 45 second rule thing doesn’t apply to the major awards. Three left.

8:39: Same deal for the Best Actress category. The tribute givers for this category are Michael Sheen, Forest Whitaker, Stanley Tucci, Oprah Winfrey, and Peter Sarsgaard. Sheen, I know how you feel. Helen Mirren is bona fide hottie! Last year’s Best Actor winner, Sean Penn, to present the Oscar. Sandra Bullock wins. Fuck! “Did I really earn this, or did I just wear you guys down?” No, Sandra, you did not earn it! You won because your movie made money! Her speech is fine, and pays tribute to all the other nominees, any of which should have won! Oh well! Her speech goes on for forever and a Wednesday! Two left.

8:52: Best Director: Barbara Streisand comes out to present this one. It’s not really a contest here either. Yep! Kathryn Bigelow wins for The Hurt Locker, the first woman ever to do so. It’s about damn time! Her speech is nicely done and well spoken! One left.

8:58: Best Picture: Here we go! Tom Hanks presents. It’s a quick little thing. The Hurt Locker takes it home! Good for them! The speeches are well done. Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, and Brian Geraghty look awesome up there!

9:01: Avatar now takes place in the past! Martin and Baldwin sign off! Good Night, Good Night!

Well, there you have it folks! Awards Season 2009 has come to a close. The Oscars this year were great! Both Martin and Baldwin were righteous hoots, the presenters were gracious and thankful (except Sandy Powell), and the deserving winners won, for the most part. That’s all for now folks. The night was fun, and worthy of being called the biggest night in Hollywood. If you want to see my personal opinion of the winners, and other posts of cinematic nature, head over to my site for that. Thanks guys. See you later!

Tags: 2010, Detailed Criticisms, Minutes, Oscars