What it is LAMBs! Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here to provide your weekly intake of gore with another edition of Clash of the Lambs! Every week, I pit character against character and leave it to you to decide the victor. What’s that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you’ll have it!
For those of you who missed it, a recap of last weeks fight! Apparently, people were so shocked by Maximus’ domination of the competition that they stayed away! Despite that, the fight was significantly better balanced, although there was a clear winner in the end. The three perpetrators of alien genocide took the ring. Both Dutch and Ripley, immediately turned on Hiller, who couldn’t get to his plane on time. He was brought down by fire from Ripley’s pulse rifle, and finished off by Dutch, who dropped a tree on him! The two remaining warriors then turned on each other. Dutch managed to wound Ripley with his bow and arrow, but, the feminine badass quickly got into her power loader and ripped Dutch in half with it! Yeesh!
The Results
Dutch: 3 Votes (Alright. Not as big of a landslide!)
Ellen Ripley: 9 Votes (Guess killing one species for four films drives the point home!)
Capt. Steven Hiller: 0 Votes (Guess NASA aren’t the only people who don’t want him!)
Well LAMBs, it seems I’ve been a bit intolerant. I got a very strongly worded letter just the other day from a representative of the creatures that these three people so merrily butchered. Get this, they wanted to have a turn in the ring! I know! Crazy! Anyway, I was happy to oblige! The three who wrote to me will be thrown into the mix this week. One is an intergalactic hunter. One is a vicious parasite. One loves to blow shit up. This should be fun!
Fighter 1: The Predator
The ultimate BAMF when it comes to killing things for sport. Harking from a society that is based on who can collect the most heads, The Predator is not to be screwed around with! Extremely athletic, very stealthy, and armed to the teeth, this one will put up a formidable fight! Armed with wrist blades, a wicked quarter staff, a plasma launcher, and advanced cloaking technology, The Predator could very easily own this whole fight! And besides, if he dies, the other two dies as well. Predator’s have a nasty habit of going nuclear when they expire!
Fighter 2: The Xenomorph
These guys are freaky! For starters, they have racked up, quite possibly, the most excessive body count of any species. Hell, they take a life just by being born! The Xenomorph does not have the technology or weapons of its two opponents, but, unlike the other two, the Xenomorph is made to do nothing but kill things. This is the ultimate combat organism. Every single aspect of this creature can be the end of you, from the powerful claws to the mouth within a mouth, the spiked tail to the acid blood. It can climb up walls and is very fast! Watch out for this one!
Fighter 3: The… Guys Who Blew Up the White House?
Yeah, those guys. Sorry, I don’t know what they are called! Be that as it may, they could still kill me, you, and everyone ever with just a blast of their city leveling weapon! These guys showed up out of the blue one day, and, by the time the clock struck twelve that night, they had wiped out a good portion of the human race, and nearly all of the world’s easily recognizable landmarks. In addition to their enormous destroyers, these guys also posses really vicious attack craft, which are quick and very deadly! But, the one thing that will give them an edge on the battlefield is the fact they are FRIGGIN’ PSYCHICS!!! They can get inside your head and mess with you incessantly, and you will be powerless to stop them. Both the Predator and the Xenomorph will have to watch out for that.
Addendum: These guys have serious issues when it comes to leaving the house, so, they always travel and do things as a civilization. The field may get a bit crowded!
As always, let’s not make this a popularity contest. Think it over. You may think the Predator is cooler, but can he stand up to a alien civilization that can level entire cities? The Xenomorph may look vicious, but that body can’t stand up to a plasma bolt very well. The nameless ones are intimidating, but, let just one Xenomorph onto their ship, and they’ll have a problem. Be honest with yourself. Who would actually win?
As always, if you have ideas for future conflicts, don’t be coy little sheep. Sound off in the comment section of send an e-mail to [email protected].
Well, I think everyone’s ready to go. The Predator is sharpening his blades. The Xenomorph is salivating. The nameless ones are hanging in the sky ominously! Let’s make it happen!
3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!
Tags: Aliens, Clash of the Lambs, Independence Day, Predator