Clash of the Lambs: Don’t Insult the Man’s Mule, and Get Off His Lawn, Punk!

by SebastianGutierrez · January 24, 2011 · Uncategorized · No Comments

The board is set. The pieces are moving. Let there be blood!

What it is, Lambs! Sebastian from Films From the Supermassive Black Hole here, ready to fill the graves with another edition of Clash of the Lambs. Every week, I pit character against character and leave it to you, the voter, to decide the outcome. What’s that? You cheer for blood? By jove, you’ll have it!

But first, a recap!

So, last week, the representatives from each of the Oscar favorites took to the ring. The fight began, and the field was cut down by half almost immediately. Nic got a call about a family crisis, and had to make a quick departure. Mickey got a call about his brother jumping out of a window, and had to make a quick departure. Doug got a call about a really good deal on a piece of real estate in Tangerine, Florida, and had to make a quick departure. And Woody realized that he can’t exist outside the realm of an animated movie, and simply vanished. The remainder of the fighters turned toward each other. Aron, Dom, and Mark were the first to fall. Mark was instantly brought down by Aron, who cut off his own arm and used it as a club. He then turned to Dom, who simply got in Aron’s head and gave him the idea that climbing up the walls of the ring and jumping off was a great plan. Exit Ralston. Dom turned to Nina, and tried to get in her head, until he realized that her mind was already so screwed up that he could get in. This realization caused him to combust. I don’t yet know why. Nina was about to lay down some pain on Scott Pilgrim, until Rooster charged her with his horse’s reins in his teeth, dual wielding his revolvers, giving the ballerina her last dance. It was just Pilgrim and Rooster. The grizzled Marshall fired effectively, and landed a few hits on the Canadian slacker, but it proved fruitless. Pilgrim charged up, drew The Power of Love from his chest, and sliced Roosted in half, causing him to turn into coins. Pilgrim stood victorious, but then something happened. There was a flash, and his head fell off. In his place, stood Abby.

THAT’S RIGHT!!! The little vamp from Let Me In, furious about how her film was so criminally overlooked broke into the ring and annihilated the competition. Guess we should have payed the film a bit more attention, but we didn’t listen! WE DIDN’T LISTEN!!!

The Results

Mickey, Nic, Woody, and Doug: 0 votes (I could have sworn a boxer, a robber, a toy, and a badass lesbian would have done better.)
Mark, Aron, and Dom: 1 vote (Mind reading, self mutilation, and a billion dollars can only take you so far, it seems.)
Nina: 2 votes (She wasn’t quite perfect.)
Rooster: 5 votes (He really is getting fat.)
Scott Pilgrim: 9 votes (Video games are cheap.)
Abby: Winner By Default! (Suck on that, bitches!!!)

Seriously, give Let Me In another look. It’s really good.

Ok, back to normal. Since Oscar is fast approaching, the next few weeks will be dealing with people whom Oscar adore. First up, the most badass man ever featured on a banner of a blog whose initials are CTCMR (appreciate my plug, Aiden). He is Clint Eastwood, and he is in the ring today!

Fighter 1: The Man With No Name

Rocking the Mexican Poncho like it ain’t no thang, smoking black ciggies, and sporting a pair of impeccable six shooters, The Man With No Name could kill you, five other guys, your horses, bur down the town, fly to the moon, shoot things there, come back, and then go to breakfast. Legendary for his mastery of the quickdraw, he’s been known to gun down a whole gang of men without any of them even firing a shot. His beard alone is tougher than most men, and yes I did just shamelessly riff on a “Most Interesting Man In the World” joke. He also loves his mule, so don’t insult it, cuz he’ll take it personally, and believe me, you do not want him to take anything personally.

Fighter 2: Dirty Harry

The most awesome of law enforcers to ever walk the streets of my fair city (Bullit just misses the cut), Dirty Harry Callahan is one of the first people you think of when you think of “cool”. To see him calmly interrupt his lunch to stop a robbery, and keep count of how many times he fired his .44 Magnum is almost awe inspiring. You might be feeling lucky, but I wouldn’t risk it.

Fighter 3: Walt Kowalski

Sure, he’s a drunkard. Sure, he’s a racist. Sure, he loves his car more than he loves people. But, by golly, when the man tells you to get off his lawn, you better get the hell off his lawn! Sporting a trusty M1 Carbine, a pistol, and more gruff than you could shake a retirement home brochure at, this senior citizen is one tough cookie. He’s old, sure, but he could still kick your ass.

As always folks, let’s not make this a popularity contest. The Man With No Name may be fast, but can he match the power of Harry’s magnum? Harry may be fearless, but his carefree attitude may provide a window for Walt to strike. Walt may be old and experienced, but his age will no doubt present younger, more nimble fighters, like the Man With No Name, opportunity to deliver the killing blow. Think it over. Who would actually win.

I know it’s pointless to ask, since I won’t be hearing from you, but, if you have any ideas for who you’d like to see in a match, don’t be coy little sheep! Sound off in the comments for send an e-mail for [email protected]. I want to hear from you. It gets rather lonely in my office.

Ok, it looks like everyone is ready. All three have loaded their guns. The Man With No Name’s poncho is lookin’ fresh; Harry is giving off his usual air of cool; Walt is pissed off and ready to deliver some pain. The crowd is going wild! Let’s make it happen!

3! 2! 1! FIGHT!!!

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