Editor’s note: Welcome to the second of a 32-part series dissecting the 84th Academy Awards, brought to you by the Large Association of Movie Blogs and its assorted members. Every day leading up to the Oscars, a new post written by a different LAMB will be published, each covering a different category of the Oscars. To read any other posts regarding this event, please click the tag following the post. Thank you, and enjoy!
By Jason of Invasion of the B-Movies
Ah, the Oscars! The time of year movie geeks orgasm to death. As a guy who watches bad movies and/or horror movies and/or bad horror movies about 360 days a year (I spend a week watching Ingmar Bergman films cause I lost a bet years ago, long story) I don’t really have a lot of investment in the Oscars. I might check out some of the movies nominated at some point. This year they surprised the fuck out of me by nominating some movies I’ve already seen and/or really do wanna see. Of course, those movies don’t fall in the category I get to write about.
What do I get to write about? BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY! Now what the hell does “Adapted Screenplay” mean? Well basically it’s when some people take a story from somewhere else, either a book, a play, or the drunk ramblings of a drunk hobo, and turn it into a movie. Previous years winners have been, uh…The Social Network? Or, uh, Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry? Maybe? Sure, why not?
I’m surprised The Girl Who Played With The Dragon Tattoo’s Fire In A Nest wasn’t nominated in this category. It is a movie based on some hugely popular children’s books, right? I’m guessing they’re children’s books cause it features girls and dragons and the cover of the books look colorful. Well, I gave it as a gift to my 5-year-old cousin last week, and she seems to LOVE it!
Also surprised? The Hangover Part II based on the first Hangover. THERE DYLAN I SAID IT! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!!
With that done, let’s take a look at what’s nominated this year shall we? Of course, I haven’t seen any of the movies in this category, so I’m gonna do what I did last year and watch the trailer and try to figure out what the movie is about and if it deserves to win. Cool? Cool. Here we go!
Hugo
Ok so Obi-Wan is this kid’s dad, and there’s a robot. I guess Obi-Wan died in the Clone Wars and of course the kid has to go live with some old guy who’ll probably use him as slave labor in some illegal factory or some shit. He simply shows up at a train station and Borat yells at him for no reason. The kid runs into Hit Girl, who has the key to unlocking this robot and we’re suppose to be all magical and happy and cry or some shit. Yeah…remember when Martin Scorsese made Goodfellas? And Casino? Joe Pesci stabbed a guy in the kneecap with a pen. A FUCKING pen. Ouch.
Will This Win: I have no idea what this is “adapted” from and it looks too god damn mushy. Plus the people who vote for the Oscars are old guys not bored 8-year-olds. So no. And pass. Next!
Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
From the people who bought you Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice, The Cook, The Thief, The Wife, and Her Lover and…It comes a movie of British people! Talking! In rooms! Outside! In cars! Hey it’s Gary Oldman! He gets to use his accent this time! Will I ever find out what Tom Hardy looks like? No? Ok then!
Will This Win: I’m gonna guess the voters will fall asleep mid-way through so no. Probably not.
Moneyball
So Brad Pitt is handsome and charming and Jonah Hill isn’t. Don’t they make a wacky pair? I guess some baseball team sucks so badly they told Brad Pitt he can be their coach or something? And Brad Pitt hires Jonah Hill to…coach for them as well? Using numbers? Ok I’ll be honest. Sports and math are my two least favorite subjects. I rather talk about anal rape than either one of those, but something about Brad Pitt just makes me want to listen to him, dammit! So anyone who follows sports, did this actually happen? What team is this? Did they win? And doesn’t Jonah Hill look weird skinny?
Will This Win? Do sports movies normally do good at the Oscars? Did Major League win? How about Unnecessary Roughness? Bad News Bears? What about The Sandlot? Aw, dude, I fuckin’ LOVE The Sandlot cause it was more about the kids being funny than baseball you know? Where was I? Oh right.
The Descendants
Umm…I have no fucking idea what this movie is about. Is it two hours of George Clooney just standing there, looking through bushes? That can be a movie now? And it can be nominated for an Oscar? I mean really? I know George is good looking and all but…come on! Now imagine if he did that shit in Batman and Robin. Would THAT have been up for an Oscar? Wow…
Will This Win? You know, I wouldn’t fucking doubt it.
The Ides of March
OH! I get it! It’s a neat idea! So Ryan Gosling is the Brutus character, George Clooney is Julius Caesar and I guess Phillip Seymour Hoffman is Marc Anthony? Wow! This is very clever! I love modern retellings of Shakespeare stuff! Very original and fun! I can’t wait to see how they kill Clooney’s character! Will he be simply stabbed? Or shot a whole bunch of times? Does he actually say “Et tu, Ryan Gosling?” You know what? I should watch this movie! It sounds fucking amazing!
Will This Win? I hope so! It’s an awesome idea! Oooh! How about The Tempest? Maybe Michael Cera as Prospero, Selena Gomez as Miranda, and Ellen Page as The Tempest! Look out Oscars 2013!!
-Jason