by Jason Soto · January 12, 2013 · Ask The LAMB, Periodic Features, Uncategorized · 2 Comments

Just to warn you right now, there is a question at the end of this post that is, let’s just say, Not Safe For Work! So if you are a super sensitive reader, do not read the final question. You have been warned.

Does anyone agree that Ryan Reynolds should play Kevin Pietersen in a movie of Kevin Pietersen’s life?


I refuse to answer this question on moral grounds.  I can’t be sure, but I’m fairly certain that you, anonymous questioner, in an effort to gain some insignificant bit of self-esteem by virtue of having strangers say “Yes!  I’d never thought of that, but Reynolds is a great choice!,” are attempting to trick us.  This is a fucking ruse.  I’ve never heard of this Keven Pietersen person and neither has anyone else.  If fabricating a person (with an idioticly-spelled last name to boot) wasn’t bad enough, you even went to the trouble of creating a Wikipedia page – and a damn long one at that – complete with pictures (or some poor unsuspecting soul, no doubt – or some wicked Photoshop skills), stats, flags of numerous countries, graphs, some 200+ referenced notes, and god knows what else.  Point being: this took you a hell of a lot of time.  Days, to be sure, and possibly weeks or even months.  And all so that we’d make you feel a tiny bit better about you and your genius fucking idea of having Deadpool play some guy that clearly looks more like Matthew Goode (or even Kevin Dillon) more than he does the Green Lantern.  

You’re a sick, sick, disturbed person, and I to never cross paths with you again.  Also, I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


Dear Kevin Pietersen’s publicist,

It’s funny: Just the other day, this very topic came up at the local truck stop with all the other 6am regulars. Coach Flaps and Biggie Shakes both swear by Ryan Reynolds as Kevin Pietersen, but Capt. Jax and I don’t think Reynolds possesses the right physicality for the role. Fester didn’t have much to say on the matter, but he’d just been sent in the grass by a honeybear at the end of a long flip flop and in no mood to discuss.

As for me, I think the only way to truly capture the multifaceted dimensions of Mr. Pietersen’s personality and life is to cast multiple actors, similar to the treatment of Bob Dylan in the 2007 biography I’m Not There. With this approach, I’d cast Matt Damon, Tom Hanks, Morgan Freeman, Elijah Wood, Brian Cox, David Cross and Zooey Deschanel as the various incarnations of Kevin Pietersen.

You’re welcome,


I have no idea who he is/I have no interest in sports.

In the 80’s who did you prefer? Emilio estevez or charlie sheen?


That’s about as easy as it gets. In fact, one of my first favorite actors as a kid was indeed Emilio Estevez for the snarky, smart aleck characters he played in many of his earlier films. Being a young buck who was into punk music and cult movies, a film like Repo Man, with its offbeat, nonconformist attitude, wrangled my attention like no other. Then there’s ‘The Bishop of Battle’ segment from the anthology movie ‘Nightmares’, where, once again, Estevez plays a rebellious youth with a bad attitude and a taste for Black Flag and Fear. And of course, Emilio Estevez is in not one, but two S.E. Hinton adaptations, ‘The Outsiders’ and ‘That Was Then… This is Now’, two movies that had a major impact on me as a kid. For me, those movies are the cream of the Estevez crop, but he was also in a ton of other movies that I did love quite a (two) bit, such as ‘Young Guns’, ‘Maximum Overdrive’, ‘The Breakfast Club’, and ‘Men at Work’, just to name a few. Sheen, on the other hand, had some great moments, with movies like ‘Red Dawn’, ‘Platoon’, ‘The Wraith’, ‘Major League’ and even playing himself for a brief, but totally brilliant moment, in ‘Being John Malkovich’. But still, he never really did it for me quite like Estevez did, plus, I pretty much fucking hate sitcoms, and you should be able to figure out where I’m going with that one.


Who did I prefer in the 80’s?  I was a kid in the 80’s.  I didn’t give a shit about anyone who wasn’t Indiana Jones or Han Solo.  I’m going to assume that the question is which of the two do I think acted in better movies in the 80’s?

Charlie Sheen was in some decent 80’s movies.  Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Platoon, Major League, etc.  But Emilio Estevez starred in Repo Man, which may be the greatest movie ever made. So the only correct answer is Emilio Estevez.  

Questiin about the movie,” The Lorax”?
Was the film “The Lorax” based on a true event?
I know it came from of the dr seuss stories but in the beginning of the movie the garfield looking guy with the mustache said something that this story actually took place.


Yes, it is.  “The Lorax” is a book based on government policy in Afghanistan, in fact.  A prophetic book, seeing as how the Afghan conflict took place long after its publication, the unseen antagonist is based on the looming American threat in a foreign land (i.e.: The Lorax’s land), thus the industrialization of the lands and its bounty illustrates the US’ claim over the land and so forth.  You can see similar vision in “The Cat In The Hat” (Communist manifesto), “And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street” (Vietnam) and “Yertle The Turtle” (the democratic election process).


Yes.  The Lorax is a biopic of Kevin Pieterson.  Thanks fer askiiin your questiin! 


“The Lorax” is NOT based on a true story. But you know which Dr. Seuss book is? “Green Eggs and Ham”. Many people don’t realize this but when Dr.Seuss was in college, he had a roommate named Sam and this guy would ask a whole shit ton of annoying questions. “Are you gonna be going anywhere today, bro?” “Bro, can I borrow your car?” “Bro, can I have the room for the night, Stacy is comin’ over. Thanks, Bro!” Then one day, while they were both broke, Sam found some spoiled food in the back of the fridge and he kept asking, NAY DARING, our beloved doctor to keep trying it. Dr. Seuss kept refusing his offer and this went on for WEEKS! The part involving a box? Let’s just say it involves a girl. Anyway, Dr. Seuss eventually kill this guy and came up with a classic book.

“The Lorax” is, of course, based on the Al Gore film “An Inconvenient Truth”.

How can I get fingered at the movies?
My boyfriend and I were talking and we agreed on him fingering me while were in the theaters! The only problem is i dont know what to do to make it look secretive or how hell do it comfortably if im siting and hes sitting next to me! Plz help and tell me how i can get in the easiest position in the theaters!! Thank youuuuu (:


Girl, this is easy, it’s sex or blow jobs that are harder. I said harder. Teehee.  First of all, sit up top in the back to be more discrete.  Wear a skirt, forget the panties and put your purse or popcorn in your lap, then let him do all the work, or if you’re really fun start it off yourself, just make sure you are quiet.  If you get caught, depending on your authorities you could be in serious trouble.  If the usher does say something offer him a handy on the way out, and usually that’ll do the trick.  Good luck!

And that’s gonna do it! We are going to do an audio version on the LAMBcast in about two weeks so if you want to submit any questions for that, that would be totally awesome!

Thanks to everybody who sent in questions in the past and to all the contributors.