Sirens of the LAMBs: River Tam vs. The Bride.

by Nick Jobe · March 18, 2008 · Uncategorized · 4 Comments

(Welcome to the first official/real face-off of the Sirens of the LAMBs! Remember at the end to vote for the person you believe makes the better argument for winning the fight. This type of poll will be used until I can figure out how to get Blogger’s poll into an actual post. Now let’s have fun!)


River Tam sat quietly in a dark, steel room. She would be needed soon. She had been given her next target. All she had to do was wait…wait for the target to come to her. And then take that target out.

It had been years since River had been recaptured by The Alliance. It had been so long in fact that River barely remembered her short time on Serenity, the bliss she had found once the secret about Miranda came out or in her older brother, Simon. They were all faded memories that slipped further out of grasp with each kill. For in that vast stretch of time River had become The Alliance’s fiercest killing machine. All the years and work The Alliance had invested in River since she was a young girl had begun to pay off now that they had their highly trained soldier back. And once she took down the most wanted woman in the galaxy, there would be no real threat left to The Alliance. It was time to kill The Bride.

Back in the cold steel room, River did her homework. She read about The Bride’s dark past: “The Massacre at the Twin Pines” was now a legend, as was the grisly details of The Bride’s revenge on her former associates. And River knew this was the only way The Bride could be lured out of hiding: REVENGE. River Tam was not alone, for The Alliance knew this too. That’s why young B.B., The Bride’s daughter, sat in another cold steel cell in the building. Any minute now The Bride would be back to claim her daughter.

A loud noise made River jump. She looked up at the monitor on the wall. The Bride had entered The Alliance’s compound. None of the guards dared go near her, her Hattori Hanzō sword glimmering in the dim light as she breezed down narrow corridors. Then a knock at the door to River’s cell told her it was time.

River knew what was coming next. She grimaced at the thought. There was no way to escape her cell. She cowered next to her bed, with her hands over her ears, filling her head with the few weak memories she had left of Serenity, but she knew it was all an exercise in futility. She had to endure this every time before they sent her out to kill. In a flash, the monitor on the wall changed from the live security camera feed to the nightmare that haunted River’s sleep every night: the Fruity Oaty Bar commercial.

As River kept her eyes shut tightly, she pressed her hands over her ears as hard as her arms would allow. But slowly the happy little tune she had heard so many times before filled her head, and she couldn’t fight it any longer. She loosened her grip and opened her eyes. Staring at the monitor, River was transfixed as the subliminal messages of the Fruity Oaty Bar ad flooded her brain. Visions of death and destruction surrounded her. Her training took over and gripped her body. The killer inside had been awakened. River Tam was no more.

Quickly, River walked to the steel door and threw it open. She felt The Bride’s presence filling the building. Light foot steps. River looked up toward the upper levels of the complex. A door quietly clicked shut…then another…then another. The Bride was checking every room, desperately searching for little B.B.

River quickly made her way to the upper levels, headed for the north wing. Stepping quietly, her bare feet made no sound on the cold, hard floor. She listened for the slightest hint of movement. Another door shutting. The Bride was making her way further down the hallway. But River knew she would find nothing there.

Just as River rounded the corner, she caught a glimpse of something shiny. The Bride had her infamous samurai sword ready to attack any Alliance member that stood in her way. Just as The Bride reached for the next doorknob, she stopped, slowly withdrew her hand and turned.

River stood at the end of the hallway, ready to greet her opponent with a cold, menacing stare. After one quick glance at the weaponless, lanky River, a wicked smile crept across The Bride’s face. She parted her lips and spoke, but River could hear no words. All other sound was now lost in the whirlpool of painful screams inside River’s mind.

The Bride stopped talking. River held her ground, waiting. Then she saw it. A knife coming directly for her chest in a fraction of second. She blinked. Just then she saw The Bride pull the blade from its hip holster and hurl it toward the end of the hallway, but River had already ducked around the corner.

River heard The Bride come barreling down the empty corridor and watched from above as the vengeful Bride rounded the corner. River watched as The Bride frantically searched all around the open atrium, Hanzō sword ready for any attack, except from above. At that second, River dropped onto her unsuspecting opponent, knocking her precious weapon of choice out of reach. The Bride wasted no time in getting to her feet, but River was ready, knowing The Bride was now out of weapons to hide behind.

River delivered the first blow: a sharp kick to the chest made The Bride stagger backwards, but soon she was back with a punch to River’s face that made a deafening crack. Any normal person would’ve screamed out in agonizing pain after having their nose had broken, but the killer inside allowed River Tam to feel nothing, emotional or physical.

And so the two played on, exchanging hits and kicks, dancing around the highest level of the atrium, The Bride growing steadily tired, while River forced her to play this little game, anticipating and intercepting most of The Bride’s attacks, watching The Bride grow weaker with every hit.

Then The Bride made a mad dash for her sword, grasping it in her hand and slicing it through the air. If River hadn’t looked down she would never have known her arm was oozing red blood. Looking at her arm, River decided she was done playing this game. She crept closer to The Bride, who was leaning on her sword to merely stay standing, drawing in sharp breaths. As she watched River draw nearer, The Bride raised her sword to deliver the final blow to her opponent. But without any warning, River grabbed the Hanzō blade and swung her enemy through the air, The Bride grabbing wildly until the stair railing fell in her grasp. She hung there, fourteen stories above the ground, like a blonde rag doll, too weak to pull herself up, but too battered and bruised to hang on much longer.

River seized the handle of the sword and stood over her enemy, not a hint of emotion in her eyes. The Bride quietly pleaded for her own life and the life of her daughter, but once again her words fell upon deaf ears. River plunged the cold steel into The Bride’s heaving chest. The Bride’s grip slowly loosened, and she began to fall the fourteen stories down to the lowest the level of the atrium, River blankly staring after at her.

A door to River’s right opened. She turned her head as she heard the phrase “Eta Kooram Nah Smech!” belted out by an Alliance member. River Tam immediately fell into a deep sleep.


By Jason from Invasion of the B Movies.

The Bride is standing there. Across from her is River Tam, also just standing there. The Bride, knowing that she must get through this River chick, is waiting for her to make a move. While waiting, The Bride looks her over. This shouldn’t be a challenge, The Bride thinks to herself. If I can dig myself out of my own coffin, I should be able to

Just as she thought that, River comes running up towards her and immediately lands a kick to the face. The Bride falls backwards, but catches herself with her hands. Balancing on her palms now, she kicks upwards, making contact to River’s face. River flies backwards and falls to the ground. The Bride pushes herself up from the ground and lands on her feet.

River finds a piece of steel pipe nearby and picks it up. She jumps up and runs towards The Bride with it, trying to make contact to her legs. Seemingly out of nowhere, The Bride pulls out her Hattori Hanzo sword and immediately blocks the pipe, cutting it in half. River looks at the pipe in confusion. She has never seen a sword cut like that before.

While River is confused, The Bride continually kicks River, on the sides, in the legs, in the head, even in the chest. River finally gets a blow in by punching The Bride in the stomach. The Bride falls to the floor, losing grip of her sword. River picks it up and looks at it. The Bride looks up.

“Oh no you don’t,” The Bride says and immediately jumps up 15 feet into the air, and, while landing back down, she hits River square on the top of her head with both her fists. River goes down, The Bride grabs her sword, does a somersault jump and lands on her feet before River hits the ground.

The Bride goes forward to stab her sword through River but River, quick thinking, rolls out of the way, and the sword hits the ground instead. The Bride attempts to stab her again and again but River keeps rolling. When she reaches the wall, River grabs onto the wall, pulling herself up and manages to get a punch to The Bride’s face. While The Bride is stunned, River pulls out two small axes. She throws them at The Bride, but she hits them with her sword like she would a baseball with a bat. The axes go flying into the walls nearby.

Man, thought The Bride, the Crazy 88’s were easier to defeat then this little girl. There’s only one thing she can do to stop this River chick, if only she can get close enough.

River runs towards The Bride and manages to pick her up before The Bride could react. She swings The Bride over her head and finally throws her against the wall. The Bride lands, narrowly missing the axe that’s jutting out of the wall. River then runs towards The Bride. Now’s my chance, the Bride thought.

Right as River is about to deliver her punch, The Bride pulls out her hand and taps on River’s chest 1-2-3-4-5. River stops and blood spills out of her mouth. She looks up at The Bride.

“What did you do?”

The Bride takes five steps off to the side and says “Come stand by me and find out.”

River is hesitant at first, but, curious, does so. When she reaches the fifth step, she falls down at The Bride’s feet, dead. The Bride gives a heavy sigh, puts her sword away, and continues on her journey.

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4 Responses to Sirens of the LAMBs: River Tam vs. The Bride.

  1. mikemachacon says:

    @ Jason and Mrs. Thuro: i wish my article was as action-filled as this. hehe. anyway, i adready cast my vote. great job guys! =o)

  2. Samantha says:

    Thank you for the enlightening post. Appreciate it a lot.
    Subliminal messaging can indeed be very powerful. Interesting enough, a website (non-aff link) sells a bunch of subliminal programs. Might be interesting to check them out.

  3. WaywardJam says:

    Hey you two! Two great, action-packed posts! I wish you both the best of luck.

    I tried to be as impartial as possible (I’m a huge Summer Glau fan). I’ll be doing a post about my unhealthy obsession with her very soon.

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