Sirens of the LAMBs (Round 3): Kyra Vs. The Bride.

by Nick Jobe · April 29, 2008 · Uncategorized · 4 Comments

(I really just felt like posting these now to get them up sooner, as this is the only other fight in the round. If you haven’t voted for the previous match yet, do so! The voting for this round will end Thursday night. The final round will, hopefully, begin soon after. Enjoy.)


By Nick from Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob.

After winning Survivor and stabbing Suzanne Maretto in the face, Kyra was unfortunately sent to prison for her murderous deed. While in the joint, however, she heard a crazy rumor about this rogue assassin who had killed all of her ex-teammates in order to get to her boss and kill him, as well. Intrigued by the ruthlessness, Kyra knew she had to meet this woman, for she seemed dastardly enough to know where a person like Riddick could be.

So she researched and researched until she finally pinpointed a location on this lone assassin. Kyra then, quite easily, broke out of the pathetic excuse for a prison (she’d been confined to much, much worse) and made her way to where her research pointed her to.

Upon reaching said locale, a very small town in the middle of nowhere, Kyra easily found the woman, Beatrix Kiddo. The town looked like it had come out of a western movie, and it didn’t help that Beatrix was walking down the end of an old, dusty road when she found her.

“Beatrix Kiddo,” Kyra called out.

The woman turned.

“Can I help you?” she asked.

“I need to talk to you. I heard about what you did.”

Kyra had gotten her full attention now. Beatrix faced her fully, hand on the sword she always carried with her in paranoia.

“Who sent you?”

“Nobody. I’ve need to know if you’ve heard of a Richard B. Riddick.”

“Riddick? Never.”

“You’re not lying to me, are you?”

“Are you lying to me?”

The two women stared at each other in a death glance. Then, for no apparent reason, they charged each other, Beatrix with her sword unsheathed. The blonde woman swiped with her sword, but Kyra easily dodged. Kyra then pulled out her vicious-looking dagger, taking a swipe at Beatrix, but missing. There was an animalistic glare in Kyra’s eyes. She knew exactly how to take this woman down easily: Left of the spine, fourth lumbar down, the abdominal aorta. The Sweet Spot, Kyra thought.

Kyra jumped, doing a spinning corkscrew in the air to slice at Beatrix with the blades in the backs of her boots, but Beatrix simply barred them with her Hanzo sword.

As Kyra landed, Beatrix jabbed with her sword, scratching Kyra’s arm, but it didn’t matter. Kyra had spun and jammed her dagger into the sweet spot. It was over before it had barely begun.


By Jason from Invasion of the B Movies.

The Bride aka Beatrix is relaxing in her apartment. It’s about time she got to relax. She’s been through a lot. So much that if it was all to be turned into a movie, it’d have to split into two parts. Beatrix goes to settle down with some tea and is about to watch an old Kung-Fu movie on TV when there’s a knock on the door.

Beatrix looks at it oddly and quietly goes and looks in the peephole. She saw a man, in his 20’s, with short black hair and glasses. He looked nervous. Realizing a nervous nerdy guy is no threat, she opened the door.

“Can I help you?” Beatrix asked.

“Uh, yeah. Hi. My name is Jason. And I need your help.”

“With what?”

“Well…you’re gonna find this hard to understand-“

“Try me.”

“Ok. I’ve been tasked with writing a short story about you.”

“Really? Come on in.”

Beatrix gave Jason room to walk in. He slips through the door and looks around.

“Nice place,” Jason said, still looking nervous.

“So what’s this story about?” Beatrix asked, closing the door behind her.

“Well, it’s a hypothetical story about what would happen if you fought some other women that kick ass.”

“I see. And you need what exactly?”

“Well, the person you’re suppose to be fighting, I have no clue who she is. So I thought maybe if we both watch this-” Jason pulls out a “Chronicles of Riddick” DVD “-together, then we’d find out who she is and if maybe you could beat her.”

Beatrix thought about it. She looked at the DVD and read the description. It was some sci-fi movie. She wasn’t a fan of sci-fi; action and kung-fu was more her thing. But if she was to help this geek out, she’d have to study her opponent.

“Alright. I’ll put it in.”

After two hours, Jason looks as if his eyes were going to melt.

“I forgot to mention I really don’t like Vin Diesel,” Jason said, rubbing his eyes.

“I don’t blame you. His voice is pretty monotonous and he sounds like he should be saying ‘Duh’ before he starts each sentence.”

“So what do you think?”

Before Beatrix could answer, her TV started leaking. Beatrix and Jason looked at it oddly. Soon the screen shattered and crawling from the broken screen was Kyra, the girl they were both studying. She lands on the rug with a THUD, then quickly gets up.

“Who’s talking crap about my movie?!” Kyra said.

“You broke my TV!” Beatrix bellowed.

“Oh boy!” Jason said, doing a good impression of Sam Beckett.

The two women circled each other.

“So, you didn’t like my movie, huh?”

“Not particularly, no.”

“Well, we’ll have to change your mind now, huh?”

And before she knew it, Kyra jumped over to Beatrix and slammed her on top of the head with both fists. Beatrix fell on her coffee table, breaking it. Kyra then started pounding on Beatrix, hitting her all over. Jason looked around and saw the infamous sword. He jumped up and grabbed it.

“Beatrix! Here!” Jason yelled as he threw the sword. It landed right in Beatrix’s hand and she did one *swish* and soon Kyra’s left arm was cut clean off. Kyra stood up, screaming. Beatrix jumped up onto her feet, holding the sword. Beatrix runs to Kyra, about to slash again when Kyra picks up her cut-off arm and uses it to hit the sword, knocking it out of her hand.

Kyra then slaps Beatrix silly with the dismembered arm, stunning her. Beatrix, stunned, grabs a couch cushion and hits Kyra with it, which makes her drop the arm. Beatrix then runs up to her and tackles her, and they fly backwards all the way to the window. Did I mention Beatrix’s apartment was on the 37th floor. 37????

Jason runs to the window, furiously taking notes. Before Beatrix and Kyra fell out of sight, he saw Beatrix punch Kyra over and over again until she was unconscious. Then Beatrix stood up on Kyra’s body and used it as some type of windboard while she plummets down to the ground.

Jason lost sight of Beatrix and Kyra. He backed away from the window when he heard something behind him. Jason slowly turned around and before he knew it, a big bald man wearing dark black goggles was standing behind him.

“Duh, you don’t like me, I hear?”

“Ohhh boy…”

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4 Responses to Sirens of the LAMBs (Round 3): Kyra Vs. The Bride.

  1. Nick says:

    I was actually totally gonna vote for you, Jason (honest to blog!), because I totally lamed out on mine and got lazy. But then I read yours, and basically both Kyra and The Bride die (or it’s at least left open to interpretation)… and ‘Jason’ would totally die against Riddick… so, yeah 😛 .

  2. Jason Soto says:

    That’s what you think! I believe it says The Bride uses Kyra’s body to windsurf down. In the Bride World, that means she’ll land perfectly safe.

    And I think “Jason” would challenge Riddick to a game of scrabble and would totally own him.

  3. leon says:

    jason would surely lose at scrabble don’t go there

  4. Jason Soto says:

    I’m not sure what’s more funny:
    That people think Vin Diesel is smart
    That people don’t realize the “Jason” in the story is in fact me.
    -Jason <---see?

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