I started looking for a new apartment on Craig’s list. I couldn’t take who I was living with any longer. My roommate Nausicaä wasn’t THAT bad, but she was very flighty and a total princess. All the running around in short skirts couldn’t make up for her tree-hugging hippie crap. I gave her my thirty days and started hunting.

That’s how I found John McClane.

He was renting out half his apartment that he’d been living in. As soon as I read the ad, I called him and went over to look at the place. He was a real funny guy, and he had a smirk that never left his face. He cracked jokes about his wife, the apartment, and my outfit. He was on the outs with his wife, but he said things were looking up and that he and Holly would probably be getting back together soon. For being a cop, he was really cool. And John wasn’t a regular cop. Remember in Beverly Hills Cop when Eddie Murphy talked about super cops? He was talking about dudes like John. Apparently, he once foiled a terrorist attack all by himself. He was like a real life Jack Bauer!

I couldn’t resist that smirk, so I give him one of my own and my deposit. I’ve been here about two months and it’s pretty sweet so far. Living with a cop has it perks. I never have to move my car, even on street cleaning days and nobody messes with our garbage cans or plays their music too loud. John gives me crap about hip hop, and I always make fun of his hair. He brings his cool cop friends over for poker, and we all have a good time. Last week, I got pulled over by one of them for speeding. It was Al, Sergeant Powell. He told me he would see me on Thursday night and to just slow down. Me!

The holidays are coming up soon, and John has already said that he’s going out of town, so I’ll have the whole place to myself for a week. I think me and Argyle are going to have a huge Christmas party, since he loves Christmas an unusual amount. John is going to Washington DC to stay with his in-laws, so even though I’ll miss him, I’ll be glad knowing that he’s miserable too.

Honestly, I kind of hope things don’t work out with Holly and John because I would love to stay here in Los Angeles with John ‘Bang, Bang’ McClane for as long as it lasts. He doesn’t like California much, but I don’t think there would be anything to possess the man to move back to New York. He’s already transferred to the LAPD, and I’m sure he’ll take it easy at work from now on. After all, why would the guy want to push his luck again? Or three of four times?

———————

By JD from Valley Dreamin’.

Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind is kind, generous, and caring for all creatures, even when they attack her kingdom, kill her father, and hold her hostage, only to end up in a sand forest a thousand feet under the earth. She’s very Zen, but that doesn’t make her a push-over, because she can cut you into pieces in a heartbeat. So ask when you want some of her Doritos. And being a princess implies she can pay the rent all on her own, and she would do it without making you feel bad for not being as rich or dependable as her!

She would also be a very nice person to talk to, being wise beyond her years and all, and she’d definitely help you just for the sake of helping you. She’s also very hot, and a bit lesbian-y, so just imagine all the three-way action you’d get! Oh, I know you’re imagining it, and you like it, don’t you? Mmmmm, yeah.

John McClane, on the other hand, always finds a way to get shot at. And has he ever NOT been an explosion magnet? No! So life with him might be incredibly uncomfortable, and with Justin Long tagging along, no less! Especially after breaking up with Drew, he’s probably just a weighty sack of sadness and desperation. He probably wouldn’t even give you a free Mac. Douche.

Plus, you’d have to meet Rumer at some point – which is undesirable in itself – and just looking at her chin will probably make you sterile. And his shiny bowling ball of a head will make the situation even worse. Makes you wish you chose Nausicaä, doesn’t it?