Sirens of the LAMBs: Sil vs. Bonnie Parker.

by Nick Jobe · March 20, 2008 · Uncategorized · 2 Comments

(Welcome to the third official face-off of Sirens of the LAMBs! If you have not done so already, please read the previous fights and cast your vote! Remember to base it on the narratives and not just a bias! Oh, and there is no longer going to be pictures to go along side the narratives. They’re making everything out to be a formatting hell. Sorry.)


By Fletch from Blog Cabins.

Poor Sil.

Sil wants a baby. The problem is, she can’t seem to find a decent potential baby daddy anywhere. Scientists just want to “study” her body (yeah, right), and the guys she meets at bars just can’t keep up with her hormones. She found cops to be a good match, but sooner than later, they find out about her history and want to “bring her in” and/or kill her — neither of which will help her become impregnated.

So, our distraught heroine did what anyone in her situation would do. She called up her old friend Max Walker to see if he couldn’t bend the rules a bit (time traveling is strictly meant for timecops, as civilians are always screwing things up) and send her to another time where someone like her wouldn’t be judged so quickly or, you know, feared by everyone just because they heard some report on the news about some psycho half-alien/half-human megababe who kills just about everyone she comes into contact with.

Max owed her a solid, so he felt he had to help, despite his worries about killing the former mayor of Cleveland or JFK or destroying the space-time continuum or anything like that. Knowing that Sil wanted to go to a time when CNN and Fox News and things like that didn’t exist, Max sent her to the early 1930s (too early and she might not be able to assimilate). And just like that… she was gone.

When she exited her space-time hoopty, Sil was a bit disoriented. She’d hoped to be sent to a vibrant metropolis like New York City, but she found that she was instead stuck in the dust bowl of America, somewhere between Mexico and Missouri. Though this certainly limited the number of prospects available, her first impression of the people was that they were of a kind nature, so she politely decided not to kill anyone for awhile.

For awhile, things were going swimmingly. Sil took up residence in small-town Texas and found a job as a teacher. She discovered that, when not morphing between her alien and human forms, she had a real knack for getting children to do long division and write in cursive. A new part of her personality blossomed into the tulip Max had seen all along (and secretly longed for). Things were looking up, though there was still a drought in the man department, and she was aging at an accelerated rate, meaning alien menopause could strike at any time.

She was feeling particularly low one day, when she happened to meet just the man of her dreams. She was running an errand for the school, taking some buffalo nickels and two-dollar bills to the local bank for deposit, when a handsome devil of a man walked in. He was dressed in a suit and fedora and had the cocksure confidence that most men lacked in that day. Even better, he was burning a hole through Sil with his steely gaze. The only problem? There was something buzzing all around him — a gnat or flat or some such nuisance. Sil advanced towards the scallywag for a closer look at what seemed to be troubling him.

As it turned out, it wasn’t a gnat at all. It was a person named Bonnie something or other. Though Sil was fixed on the rogue (whose name was Clyde), she couldn’t help but hear some of the muttering that this “Bonnie” was making a fuss over (something about being in love with him and willing to fight for her man). With the speed and precision of a nail gun, Sil discreetly killed the “gnat.”

She and Clyde lived happily ever after.

(What — you thought there’d actually be a battle between those two?)


Miss Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow enter a saloon. They quickly get a seat to grab a quick bite to eat. While eating, a woman enters and walks to the bar. She pulls out a large wad of cash and orders a drink. This catches the attention of both Bonnie and Clyde. They see their next victim to rob.

Bonnie walks over to the woman. “Hello there. I’m Miss Bonnie Parker and over there is Mr. Clyde Barrow. What’s someone like you doing in a place like this?”

“I’m Sil, and I’m looking for a partner,” replies the woman. “Is that your husband?” (referring to Clyde).

Bonnie shakes her head and motions Clyde to join them. “I’ll be right back,” said Bonnie. She leaves Clyde and Sil alone at the bar.

In the bathroom, Bonnie takes out her handgun in her purse. She lights a cigarette and puts on some lipstick since she wants to look good when she takes Sil’s money.

Meanwhile, Sil tries to make out with Clyde. After kissing him, she senses that he is not the right partner to get her pregnant. After realizing this, she kills Clyde as Bonnie comes out of the bathroom.

Clyde!” yells Bonnie as her partner and lover is killed.

Sil is not paying attention to Bonnie as she fires her handgun and repeatedly shoots Sil. The multiple gunshot wounds knock Sil unconscious.

Later that night, Bonnie takes Sil to a secluded area in the woods. Sil’s wounds may be magically healed, but she is a captive. She sits on a chair all tied up. The ropes make it impossible for her to break free. Her mouth is gagged with a cloth.

Bonnie walks over carrying a tank of gasoline, a camera, and has an unlit cigar in her mouth. “Now, let’s take a picture to remember this moment,” says Bonnie with a smile on her face. “I want to send this to the newspapers.”

She places the camera on a rock and poses with Sil. She kisses her on the cheek as the camera snaps the photo. She laughs as she pours the gasoline all around Sil’s body. Bonnie reaches in her pocket and reveals a book of matches. She strikes a match and lights the cigar. Bonnie takes a couple puffs and blows the smoke in Sil’s face. Sil coughs as the smoke makes her eyes teary.

“Remember the name Bonnie and Clyde,” Bonnie says. “We rob banks.” Sil tries to move and escape, but there’s no time. Bonnie throws the cigar at Sil, whose body burns in flames. Her screams are loud and painful. Her body slowly deteriorates to a charcoal carcass.

Bonnie walks away, eating a pear as the flames slowly burn in the background.

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2 Responses to Sirens of the LAMBs: Sil vs. Bonnie Parker.

  1. WaywardJam says:

    @Fletch- Funniest battle to date, great job.

    @Mikey- Love the way you put Sil at a disadvantage quickly to make short work of her.

    I didn’t realize just how tough it was going to be to vote for all these.

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